The Mens Room

“The Mens Room” By Toby Green

This book was written in 1999 and purchased at that time, I would have been 18. I’m not sure my motivation for such a purchase, perhaps it was mum’s idea. I tried reading it then but found it hard to soak in. Maybe after years of maturation have made it easier to understand.

Don’t be confused by the name, Toby Green is a woman, a psychologist and an author. As a woman it is refreshing that she takes a swipe at feminism and condemns the damage it has done to a generation of men confused about their role – real men or pseudo women?

She doesn’t leave blokes off the hook though as it implores that men still have to lift their game. She doesn’t pander to the men as victims. There is a nice middle ground achieved in her book. Like all good relationships her advice is about give and take.

The dysfunction in the relationships Green deals with seems to centre around two themes: communication and control.

Perhaps a reading of “Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman would solve most of the communication problems illustrated. When communication was a problem it’s not that either party was not communicating at all it’s that they were not communicating in a way that the spouse liked. They never thought to talk about how they like love to be communicated until the relationship had spiralled out of control. More often than not the relationship was irreparably damaged by that time, even with expert counselling from Toby Green.

The need to be in control seemed to be a manifestation of a childhood event that wasn’t properly dealt with, but it could happen to anyone. It shows complete disregard to God who is ultimately in control. Although our culture does push a premise of being in control of our lives. Unfortunately a controlling person in a relationship does not behave rationally when they perceive they aren’t in control of all facets of their life.

I’m glad a finally read it and enjoyed that these insights came from a female perspective.